From a friend's point of view, I suppose I was spacey today. Unless the friend was really close ad understood a thing or two about me, then they might call me preoccupied. I was in and out of current situations whiel I kept returning to a nagging issue which has been resting in the furthest back point in my head. This morning it emmerged from the folds in my brain and it's been wrestling with my conscious ever since. I'm a bad person. I'm a bad girlfriend. I'm so close to unfaithful that I don't see why anyone should trust me for more than a week.
I've never been someone's girlfriend as long as I've been Mark's. I've never seen such potential in any other boyfriend. The possibility of marrying Mark is very real and very scary. I've been scared of it in dangerous ways. I've actually been trying to sabotage our relationship ever since I first innitiated it over a year ago.
The first blow was when I agreed to a date with someone else the day after I had just been making out with Mark. I made out with her the next night, Mark the following night, her again, and mark again before I decided it was all too much and i broke it off with both of them. I told mark, "This isn't working out. I think I'm a lesbian." He said he agreed that it wasn't working, but he was actually pretty upset. If not for the imagery of me with a woman, I wonder if he would have hated me.
When the lesbian thing didn't work out, thankfully Mark was still playing the "still friends" roll really well. We hung out day after day. I thought the threat of marrying my father was gone, but it was still there, wearing a friendly face. When I learned that someone he liked when he was a senior in high school actually had a crush on him, I tried to set them up. I told her, "I'll ask him if he likes you that way still." Then I had lunch with Mark and tried for an hour to squeeze the words, "I still like her that way," from him. I don't know why it didn't work. As it turns out, Mark took my rejection much harder than I realized. He was lonely. So he put a lot of work in at the gym, obsessive amounts. And one day when he showed up at my door, he was overwhelmingly sexier than I remembered. I was really sad to see him go that night. But when he came back, I tried to keep him there. I didn't know how to go about leading him on, but I had a certain determination. If there was one thing i had learned about Mark by then, I knew he wouldn't make a move without knowing I wanted him to. So when I ran out of ideas to keep him busy in my room, I finally asked, "So, do you want to make out?" He seemed to like that idea. We turned down the lights and played some music, hopped into bed and picked up where we had left off three month before. That was December 10th, 2005, the day we decided to celebrate on our anniversary.